I Have Altered The Deal Pray I Don"t Alter It Any Further

Well hello there turds, didn't see you come in.  Might I be so bold as to say that you all look rather dashing this afternoon?  What's that, you want to hear me ramble a bit?  Well I suppose I can squeeze that into my busy schedule my cupcakes.  

Sometimes I like to think of places it would be awesome to play a show/shoot a music video at.  I think a show in the back of a semi truck would be pretty gnarly, possibly with a side cut out of it, and probably in a sketchy looking industrial parking lot type of setting.  Another of my favorites is rooftops, any show on a rooftop is automatically at least twice as cool in my book preferably with a bunch of gnarly beat up lookin' punk kids.  I feel like nighttime shows are also pretty badass especially when there's floodlights or fire involved as a lighting agent.  Shows and videos in pools are bitching too, whether it be a full pool with a platform in the middle or an empty bowl (preferably with kids skating around the band in it.)  But my ultimate venue choice, wait for it.... motherfucking Cloud City! 

BOOSH!

No sirs and madams, it does not get any fucking cooler than cloud city, it is my life's ambition to play a show in Cloud City and get drunk on Colt 45 with Billy Dee Goddamned Williams.  Think about that shit,  freaky Bespin broads with head tentacles dancing around, that cyborg guy overseeing everything, those weird siamese twin space ships flying around, and Boba fucking Fett lurking in the corner nodding along with the music.  

In my head Boba Fett is a big Involuntarys fan

That my friends would be bad as shit.  I don't want to hear your "Pretzel Cloud City isn't a real place" talk, or your "you're a little to old to fantasize about your band playing in a fictional universe" mumbo jumbo, and certainly not your " the only band that can make it in the Star Wars universe is the cantina band with those dudes that have weird crab vagina mouths" nonsense.  

Fuck all you dream squashers, and fuck all Mos Eisley musicians, I can have dreams too you bastards!

Eh, I'm gonna get drunk and watch return of the Jedi

Wipe front to back!

-Pretzel

Vkings! Wizards! Demon Lizards!

You ever have one of those mornings? You know the kind of morning when you wake up and the cuffs are a tad too tight cuz they're not the fun fuzzy kind, you can't get the taste of burritos and gin out of your mouth, and the portly guard is yelling about the illegality of your bootlegged Dora The Explorer DVDs?  Yeah me either. I mean don't get me wrong I've totally had bootlegged bavarian burrito mornings in my day just not many recently.  No sirs and lady sirs, I'm pretty stoked on life nowadays.  My stokedom is due to a number of factors (awesome friends, awesome job, the Bruins are number one in the northeast[suck it Joe, suck it Kevin] etc.) but the reason I'm gonna focus on today is motherfucking cornhole!  If you're unfamiliar with the game, cornhole is a game in which two people team up against another two and throw beanbags at a slightly angled board with a hole cut into the top.

If your bag goes in the hole you earn 3 points, and if you merely make it on the board you get 1 point, however whatever the other team scores that round will offset your score, and your opponents can knock your bags off the board and null that point. It's one of those awesome games where you can play with a beer in your hand, in fact being a bit tipsy is a good strategy.  So far as I know, "cornhole" is a regional term for the game, apparently in Chicago it's known as "beanbags."  Fuck that though, it's goddamned cornhole and I will address it as such you windy city cockbags.

I said it, do something Chi Town, come at me!

It's recently become cornhole weather at the bar, and let me tell you I could not be happier.  I'm a member of team Pussy Lickers and we're pretty amazing, I mean we took out the Weird Beards the Hoorayhole Lickers, and the Substance Abusers, that's a pretty impressive record right?  We weren't always the devastating force that causes grown men to weep and women and children to flee in terror.  Nope, we were once mere mortals just like yourselves but then we solidified with a team name.
Unity's a great thing, Op Ivy wrote a song about it, and I can see why.  I mean, in a team mentality you're not just looking out for yourself you've got other people you don't wanna let down.  I've got that going on in a number of facets of my life, the band, the house, the bar, and most recently team Pussy Lickers.  There's been numerous times when I just don't wanna play a show, but if I don't give it my all the band's gonna be let down and that'd bum me out pretty significantly.
Meh, I'm rambling and that means it's beer drinking time for uncle Pretzel
Stay sassy y'all!
-Pretzel
P.S. Don't tell Chicago what I said, they're kinda scary sometimes

My Hips Sure As Shit Don't LIe

Whattup you mother fuckaaaaaz!?  Today's rambling shall be tattoos, as I had an excellent and lengthy conversation whilst on a nature walk (yeah, that shit happened bro) about tattoos and the stigmas they entail.
My generation has embraced tattooing with a vengeance.  More and more 18-19 year olds are getting very conspicuous (think throat/hand area) pieces.  Now that's cool and all, I'm obviously all for personal expression, however when you have no career and no marketable skills a throat tattoo is a very big strike against you in virtually any market you can think of.  I've met countless kids who very early on, tattoo stretch scar and implant themselves all to hell with no idea what they're gonna do down the line, and it bums me out.  I'm being a complete hypocrite here by the way, I've got my hands, throat, and even ears done, and I was a dumb fucking kid for doing it.  When I was still piercing I wanted to go back to school for mortuary science, but when you work at a funeral home you not only have to embalm, but double as a funeral director, and lets be honest children, nobody wants a funion eared fuck like myself dealing with bereaved families.  So yeah, I screwed myself out of a career because I wanted to look how I wanted to look, and it's sad watching other kids doing the same thing.  I hear a lot of these same kids bitch and moan about how they're being discriminated against for their tattoos and heres the deal: getting tattooed is a decision that you consciously make.  A deli owner not hiring someone because they're black is discrimination,  a P.R. firm refusing to hire someone because they're gay is discrimination, but not hiring/ firing someone for a tattoo is absolutely not discrimination.  The best explanation of this I've heard is this, jobs have dress codes, if your gnarly sturgis 96 neck piece doesn't fit into that, than sorry bout your luck broseph, you fucked yourself out of a job back in 96.
That lengthy discourse out of the way, tattoos are undeniably awesome so get those ass antlers, get the Godsmack sun on your bicep and absolutely get that sweet hatchet man with juggalo lyfe underneath in old english, just don't bitch about it when your sweet tatties kill your dream of selling used Hondas.
Tip your servers (especially Alicia, she's fuckin rad) and drive safely my peeps
Oh and as always, send nudes
-Pretzel