Fucking Danger Will Robinson!

Salutations y'alls!  I know it's been a while since I've posted on here, and for that I'm sincerely sorry.  Shit just gets busy sometimes y'know?  Anyways I was just gonna post this as a Facebook status but I realized I've got way to much rambling to do and not enough space on the 'ole book of face to do so.
Have you seen the new warning labels that are gonna be stuck on cigarettes? From what I gather they're not going into effect until fall of 2012 (assuming the world doesn't end by then) but they are going on every pack in the pretty near future.

Pretty serious shit huh?  Ready for the shock twist in this entry?  I'm completely for these terrifyingly gruesome bastards.  I mean it I think every pack absolutely needs these labels, hell I think every cigarette should have a heat activated chip in it that makes the cigarette yell " Hey dumbass these motherfuckers cause cancer!" in Gilbert Gottfried's voice.  

Fuck you cancer!-Gilbert Gottfired

Think about it, that's more tech jobs building the chips, more work for Mr. Gottfired, and I fucking guarantee earplug sales will skyrocket.

But that's not enough.  No the FDA may be placated with these labels, but I sirs and madams haven't built a safe enough future yet.  Check it, every McDonalds wrapper and every bucket of KFC gets a picture of an obese bloated corpse with the caption "you're eating your arteries to death fatass."  Every bottle of Jagermeister gets a picture of David Hasselhoff eating off the floor that says "you and your whole frat are going to end up like this"  

Just like this Chett, just like this

Every Snickers gets a picture of some british teeth, and every Red Bull gets a blood pressure warning smack dab on the front of it.  Think I'm done? Think again motherfuckers, at birth every child gets a forehead tattoo that indicates they may or may not be a rapist!

We'll be the safest and thusly happiest society in the world, productivity will rise and illegal downloading will end all together (for some reason or another, just go with it.)

I don't have time to wait till 2012 though, so I'm off to Kinkos to print off some labels, see you motherfuckers later!

-Pretzel